Breath in then breath out.
You’re not impulsive anymore, you’re just chocking up by everyone’s half ass that’s passed on in this world. And that’s not on you. But I feel like everything I’m doing right now is not even happening. Everything I’m experiencing is so ridiculously unbelievable I don’t know what to believe. I’m trying so hard, or at least I was. But I’m always wrong. Don’t let them mess with your life. They’re not the one’s that you need approval from. It’s me, yourself. That should be enough for now honey. But I want out. I need a pass or a sign to become happy first, then everything else. I was golden, but right now I feel like useless trash. I’m blacking it all out.
“Don’t give up on your own fact over someone else’s fiction.”
These are the times I wish I believed in something greater than myself. But I don’t. I’m as good as it gets, and it’s not much. Not anymore..
I thought this was what I wanted. Perhaps it still is, but something has gone wrong. I used to be afraid. I used to be good. I used to think there was more. But lately I’ve been saying more than I should. I thought it was helping, but nobody cares. I want all my rights taken away. Please take away all these expectations I have to meet. I want no credibility I am changing, cause I’m not.
I loved you as long as I could.
I’ve been struggling with myself for too long. Unable to conform to anything really. I don’t know why I am that way, but I thank myself for being something so strong. I won’t settle for anything less than all of you. This war has been intimately shared, almost for three years this April. Hopefully it’s almost over…
“You shall be my roots and
I will be your shade,
though the sun burns my leaves.
You shall quench my thirst and
I will feed you fruit,
though time takes my seed.
And when I’m lost and can tell nothing of this earth
you will give me hope.
And my voice you will always hear.
And my hand you will always have.
For I will shelter you.
And I will comfort you.
And even when we are nothing left,
not even in death,
I will remember you.”
I am refreshing my life this new year. I am going to continue doing things for myself that will make me proud of who I am. I am going to stay humble always no matter where life keeps taking me. I am going to continue being appreciative of everyone that comes my way. I am going to make the good love only with the best intentions. I am going to continue laughing for all the positive energy that surrounds me no matter how dark it gets, there’s still light. I won’t leave mends untied, but yet I won’t tolerate deceiving and thoughtless actions. I am going to understand that people respect me and expect me to acknowledge I am loved. I won’t be selfish and will continue to give more. That’s the only way my world will work. 2013, I’ll make the best of you as I know you’ll make the best of me.
I feel like being able to get lost in a magical place like in the books and just live my life forever like that. Pretending that all is real and it becoming my life. I would call it my grave where I’d find another life in the other side. One pure and make believe. I won’t have to carry this hurt anymore. I would be able to forget. I’d be dead and free from this nightmare that ruined my living life. But I’m still alive. I’m weak and driven so close to the edge. You killed whatever has been left of me throughout all my years. You have been the death of me. I know you will obviously say what you say and I will appreciate your words each time. But they don’t do much for me you see. They don’t actually make the effect that you think you see. I oddly feel better accepting that I am alone. Not alone away from you. But left alone. And I want it so bad to be true. I rather be miserable about being left than the cause of my misery.
I never worried this much to help people not to disappoint me. I tolerate deceptive intentions, unhappiness and disrespect now. I’m a beggar, I think.
I was best as an individual. I was happy. At least I think that’s how I remember me. And that’s who I want to be again. I unconsciously drifted from my roots. And I don’t know how long it will take me to master myself again…